Rebecca is not doing well. I will give a medical update later, but suffice to say - we could use serious prayers. It looks as if Rebecca has developed another obstruction.

Sometimes I struggle being on social media while living in the hospital. This is especially pronounced during the holidays. Pictures of fall festivals, football games, Homecoming dances and Halloween parties flooded my feed.

I missed those moments.

It is not that I wish my friends did not have these experiences with their own families, on the contrary, I am over-joyed at their blessings. I just want to be right alongside them celebrating Homecoming, carving the pumpkins and passing out candy to trick-or-treaters. And It would be one thing to miss just a year of holidays with my children, but quite another to miss them year in and year out.

But it is hard to live in the hospital and be a mom at the same time. No child gets the best of me. I miss event after event, holiday after holiday, and game after game. Huge portions of my kid's lives are viewed from afar. Yes I know most mothers feel inadequate, but hospital mothers feel this emotion magnified to guilt-ridden heights.

Last Thursday night Brian traded places with me as I ran from the hospital to Nicholas' football game so I could see him for the first time in a week. I finished Rebecca's palliative care consult late, left in high-traffic and couldn't find a parking space. Finally, I gave up and parked illegally in a fire lane with towing warnings everywhere. And I didn't care. (Yes, I have asked for forgiveness so you don't have to pray for my soul).

As I got out of the car to run to the stadium, my father texted and said Nicholas dove for an amazing catch and subsequently ran for a 40 yard touchdown.

I missed it.

I was so close to participating in this monumental moment after being absent for so many others -

But I missed it.

Thankfully Nicholas had two other phenomenal plays, but not as big as the first.

As I left the game, Alexander hugged me while crying big, intense tears begging me to come back home with him. Of course I couldn't, so instead I held him tightly, telling him how much I loved him. Then I drove back to the hospital in another rush with my own own big, intense tears streaming down my face.

I missed him.

Once I got to the hospital I learned 2 medical mistakes were made in the short period of time I was gone. They were correctable mistakes I fixed upon returning, but mistakes made because I was gone and not there to oversee Rebecca's complicated care regime.

I missed them.

By the end of the day I felt utterly beat-down, weighed by all my 'missed' mothering moments. I was worn-out and sad.

At the same time though, I couldn't dismiss the fact my heart was grateful for the time I did get to see each of my three children that day - no matter how brief.

All of the sudden it dawned on me my focus was off. Instead of concentrating on my "missed" moments, I needed to concentrate on my present moments.

In one night I got to see Nicholas play football, hug and comfort Alexander and organize Rebecca's medical care. All of which are unexpected miracles for a hospital mom.

Because EVERY moment I spend with my beautiful children - big or small - is a gift straight from God.

Thank you Lord

Pictures of Nicholas' football game and his first Homecoming dance - this son of mine is pretty incredible…