Asking Eric: Husband's grudge against mother-in-law affecting family

By gqlshare on September 2, 2024

Dear Eric:

I, a 45-year-old female, have been married to my husband, a 45-year-old male, for eight years. He has never called my mom by her first name or any other name like "Ma". When we visit my mother, he'll walk past her without a word.

I feel caught in the middle, making excuses saying things like he's tired or something like that.

When he cooks for me and the children at my mom's house during visits, he refuses to cook for my mom. If he goes to the store, he won't ask if she would like him to bring something back.

Recently, my 7-year-old daughter told my mother, "Dad doesn't like you." I know why that statement is true, but I personally feel like there is no good reason to be socially rude and disrespectful. If this continues, maybe he should not visit when the children and I go.

– Wife in the Middle

Dear Wife:

Your husband's behavior goes beyond not liking. We're in grudge territory here. First things first: he should definitely stop visiting. I can't imagine it's fun for your mom, so who is benefiting?

You write that you know why he doesn't like her. Have you talked it through with him? With her? With them together? It's not your job to fix it, but his extreme reaction suggests something truly awful. Who owes who amends here? Making progress toward that will keep this poison out of the family tree's root system.

You should also let him know how hard his behavior is making your life. He's an adult who needs to use (and model) better conflict resolution skills. Talk to him about the burden his hostility is placing on everyone. It's not just your mom who is getting the blowback.

Dear Eric:

I have been on the board of a small nonprofit organization for nearly five years and signed a non-disclosure agreement. There have been two significant "issues" during my time on the board. Numerous executive board sessions were held; law enforcement conducted interviews and state agencies held inquiries.

My wife wants the details. I told her I signed the NDA and couldn't give her any information. She claimed that we are married and shouldn't keep secrets, and I could tell her what was discussed in the executive meetings.

– Secret Keeper

Dear Secret Keeper:

I've signed and honored my share of NDAs (have I been to a party at Beyoncé's house? The world will never know.) None of those agreements included the clause "You can tell your wife if she's curious."

You're welcome to have a lawyer take a look at yours to see if it specifically allows spousal disclosures of the protected topics. But I don't see how the information you have would materially benefit your wife. Moreover, you're putting yourself and your organization at unnecessary risk, even if she promises not to tell.

This isn't what we mean when we talk about "keeping secrets" in a marriage. You're not hiding a Swiss bank account. You're simply not telling her information you're legally bound not to disclose about a company with which she doesn't have a relationship.

Dear Eric:

I am a phlebotomist at a hospital. I have a coworker that is one of the laziest people I have ever met. He goes out of his way to avoid taking care of patients. Once, I kept track of how many patients we each took care of. I had a little more than 40 while he had taken seven in the same 10-hour shift.

I have brought up the issue with my boss several times. At first, she ignored the problem, then made excuses for him and now she will acknowledge the issue but just is not doing anything about it.

My other coworkers and I are unsure how to proceed. I have had other jobs in the past where the managers made it my job to police my coworkers, but I have come to realize how unfair that was and how it caused a lot of unnecessary stress that I'm not paid to deal with.

– Bloody Exhausted

Dear Exhausted:

This is so frustrating. His laziness is putting you under a clot of pressure and all your complaints have been in vein. (I'll stop now.) You're right – you don't want to become Coworker Cop. If you're in a union, there might be resources there or you and your coworkers could talk to the person above your boss.

But I think ignoring it, as best you can, will help you feel more sanguine. I worry that tracking the unfairness is causing more stress than the laziness. You're good at your job; he's bad for the hospital and bad for the patients, but it doesn't stop you from showing up and doing what you can. Don't let his bad blood work raise your pressure.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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